Shoopuf Society
by Raine-Weather
Summary: Ganju takes Ichigo on a Road Trip across the United States! Wacky hijinks ensue! You'll laugh until you stop!
1. Ganju's BEST Idea!

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Oh wait! Yes I do! HARDY-HAR-HAR-HAR! HAR!

… Hayley's got the magic of… CLOROX BLEACH!

SHOOPUF SOCIETY!

Chapter 1

Ganju's BEST Idea!

It was a BEAUTIFUL summer day. The kind that you DON'T want to spend inside doing homework. So of course, Ichigo Kurosaki was inside doing a special report on Manta Rays. He had already watched several documentaries on them, but unfortunately, all that THAT did was make him want to eat pancakes.

" Why should I have to do some stupid project about MANTA RAYS!" Ichigo whined in his room to no one in particular. " Why couldn't I have done a project on STING Rays?"

" What's the difference?" Kon said randomly, popping out of the nearest orfice. Because he CAN.

Well, Ichigo didn't really know the difference. But he DEFINITELY knew STING Ray sounded cooler than MANTA Ray. I mean, come on, duh. He's a teenage boy.

" I'll never be able to do this stupid report." Ichigo sighed like the most pathetic person in the world.

" Let ME help!" Kon suggested as if it were the best idea in the world.

" Um… NO." Said Ichigo.

" Come on, Ichigo!" Kon whined. " I know ALL about Manta Rays!"

" You do…?" Ichigo asked suspicously, because he is a very gullible child.

" OH SURE!" Kon said excitedly. " Hand me a pencil!"

" You can't hold a pencil." Ichigo pointed out.

" Okay, nevermind, I can't help you." Said Kon.

" Hey, why don't you just TELL me what you know?" Ichigo asked because at this point he's very despertate for anyway to do his summer homework without actually doing it.

" What I know about Manta Rays really can't be put into spoken words." Kon said importantly. " I'm afraid you're going to have to become a Shinigami and let me posess your body so I can write the report for you."

" OKAY!" Said Ichigo like the complete idiot he is.

HOOONK! (transition purposes)

" WOO-HOO!" Yelled Kon/Ichigo at the top of his lungs as he leapt up and down in one of those crazy birthday bouncy houses that someone had put up for the furling child's birthday. Yes, he just ran in and scared all the little kids out without asking. That's NOT good for Ichigo's reputation!

" GET OUT! COME BACK TO THE HOUSE AND HELP ME WRITE MY REPORT!" Ichigo screamed, while a bunch of angry parents surrounded the bouncy houses with baseball bats and spatulas.

HOOONK!

" LET ME OUT, ICHIGO, LET ME OUT! ARRRRRGH!" Kon's garbled screams of pain were drowned out when Ichigo closed the lid of the washing machine, and turned it on SUPER Speedy Spin Dry.

HA-HA-HA! That'll teach you to PRETEND to know about Manta Rays, Kon! And that'll teach YOU to believe him, Ichigo!

" I know!" Ichigo said, but he didn't really say it. He smacked a fist against a palm and the words came from NOWHERE, because it was INNER dialouge! " I'll call all my friends! One of them is BOUND to be able to help me with my project!"

So at the top of Ichigo's friend list was… SADO! CHAD! YASUTORA! WHATEVER!

" Ring-ring." Said Ichigo's phone. Then Chad picked up.

" Hello?" Said Chad in his big friendly voice that makes you feel all warm inside.

" Hi, Chado!" Ichigo said enthusiastically. " Have you started on that school project?"

" Oh. Hi Ichigo. Yes."

" Cool. What is your's on?"

" Salamanders."

" Awesome. So, how far have you gotten?"

" I wrote the first few paragraphs… now I'm finished." Chad ended quickly, because he didn't really want to talk about the whole Salamander Researching Process.

" Do you think you could help me do MY report?" Ichigo asked.

" Uh… I don't know. Oh wait, Ichigo, can I call you back? The ginger snaps I'm baking are burning." And due to the horrible disaster of burning ginger snaps, Chad hung up the phone. Ichigo frowned because Chad is his BEST friend, and he didn't really want to have to call anyone else.

Next he called Mizuiro! YOU KNOW! Ichigo's LITTLE friend. Who I REFUSE to believe is a lady-killer.

" Hello?" Said Mizuiro.

" Hey Mizuiro!"

" Oh, hi Ichigo."

" So, have you started on the report yet?"

" Oh, the one on Badgers? I've already finished."

" That's great!"

" How about your report?"

" Well… uh…"

" Have you not finished it yet?"

"…not really…"

" Well, Ichigo," Said Mizuiro in a super-happy-nice voice, " You know I have much better things to do during summer than help you do a report you're too lazy to do yourself." Then the phone HUNG up just like that! THE NERVE!

" I'll show you…" Ichigo grumbled, and decided to call Tatsuki.

" Hello?"

" Hi Tatsuki."

" Oh… Ichigo… is this about the report…?" Tatsuki asked suspicously because she has that kind of woman's intuition.

" Uh… yeah…" Ichigo said uneasily, kind of put-off by Tatsuki's MIND READING powers.

" Because mine is on Sting Rays."

" Oh."

" And I KNOW yours is on Manta Rays."

" Yeah."

" So if you think you can copy all MY information and just change it up so it'll match your stupid Manta Ray Report, YOU'RE WRONG!" Tatsuki yelled into the phone. Ichigo hung his head in shame because that's exactly what he was planning on doing.

" Well, I've gotta go. Me and Orihime are gonna have lunch."

" Oh! Inoue's there! Put her on!"

" WHY?"

" Just do it!" Then there was a scuffling sound and everyone's favorite Tohru with boobs was put on the phone.

" Hi Kurosaki-kun!"

" Hi Inoue! Have you started your report?"

" Oh, I have! It's own Bumblebugs! I mean, Bumblebees! It's SO exciting! Did you know that Bumblebees learn DANCES so they can tell each other where honey is?"

Actually… Ichigo DID know this! Because he had seen it on the Magic School Bus! But now, was not the time. So he moved onto what he wanted to talk about.

" Say, Inoue, what do you know about Manta Rays?"

" I swam with a Manta Ray once!"

" Oh, did you…?" Ichigo asked, trying very hard to sound interested.

" Yep, you go into the water, and it's like PLOOSH! And then Manta Ray-san is like GLIIIIDING, and you pet him, and it feels like rubber, only wet, so I went underneath him and tried to rub his stomach, but I guess he's like a cat, because he didn't like that and-"

As she spoke, Ichigo was growing steadily more and more impatient, until finally he yelled into the phone, " SORRY INOUE, GOTTA GO!" And he slammed the phone down.

_GREAT, _thought Ichigo. _Now I only have two more people to call. Keigo… and my arch-nemesis, Ishida._

He thought about this choice for a minute, and decided to call his arch-nemesis Ishida.

" …Hello?" Ishida answered sounding VERY surprised someone had actually called him.

" Uh… hey…" Said Ichigo, trying to make it sound like he called Ishida EVERY day.

" Is that YOU, Kurosaki?" Ishida asked, sounding offended.

" Have you… uh… started on the… uh… report?" Ichigo asked in the saddest attempt at sounding casual ever.

" I'll finish my report before you Kurosaki. I'll finish it, and PROVE that the Quincies are better than Shinigami! YOU'LL SEE!" Ishida yelled, and slammed the phone shut.

Ichigo listened to the dial tone for a few seconds, then said, " OKAY, then…"

Of course, he didn't call Keigo! WHO WOULD! So he was forced to give up the whole 'get your friend to do it for you' thing. Oh well. That never works anyway.

" I know!" Said Ichigo. " I'll ask Rukia! Why didn't I think of that sooner?" Really. After all, she DOES live in your closet. So Ichigo opened his closet, only to find that Rukia… wasn't there! Oh noes!

" Hey… where's Rukia?" Ichigo said slowly.

Then suddenly a super-dorky voice started screaming WAAAAY too emotively, " IENAI, ITAMI, KANASHIMI KIZUITA KIMI WO!"

Ichigo then remembered that he had left Rukia in the tower in Soul Society, and that she was still trapped there to this day! Why he gave up in trying to save her is something we can't disclose to you other than the fact that everyone was really tired of trying to save Rukia. So he closed the door and the music stopped playing.

Ichigo decided the BEST way to get his homework problems out of the way was to ignore their very existence, so he went downstairs to go watch some television. But no sooner had he gotten halfway down the stairs, he heard a KNOCK against the door! GASP! I wonder who it could be?

" Someone get it!" Ichigo yelled at his two furling sisters. When neither of them answered, he sighed and went to go get it himself like it was the biggest hassle on the face of the earth.

And who was there to greet him at the door but… GANJU! He was wearing a big Mickey-Mouse hat, oversized sunglasses, and a t-shirt that said I HEART IRELAND! But don't worry! It was still the Ganju we all know and love!

" AHHHHH!" Screamed Ichigo, since seeing Ganju dressed like that warped his fragile mind.

" HI, ICHIGO!" Said Ganju.

" WHO THE HELL ARE- Is that you, Ganju?" Ichigo asked, trying to understand why Ganju would be wearing a Mickey-Mouse hat. Nevermind how Ganju had gotten into the REAL world, which was a mystery in itself.

" It sure is!" Ganju chuckled like Kureno. " I came to invite you on a roadtrip across the United States!"

Far from being flattered by this invitation, Ichigo just gave Ganju a bug-eyed stare. " What do you mean, Road Trip Across the United States? And where did you get those weird clothes? And HOW did you get out of Rukongai and to the REAL world anyway?"

" I mean you and me getting into a car and driving from state to state! My grandpa got me these clothes for my birthday! And a beam of light shot out from the sky and I landed here with my CREST OF GANJU!" Ganju held up the Crest of Ganju which has a glowing pickle on it! SCORE!

" But… but…" Ichigo stuttered, hardly able to understand the situation.

" COME ON ICHIGO!" Ganju yelled, punching Ichigo in the stomach. " I WAS NICE ENOUGH TO INVITE YOUR STUPID ASS ON A ROAD TRIP AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN THANKFUL!"

" I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE GOING ON A ROADTRIP! I HAVE HOMEWORK!" Ichigo yelled in protest.

" Bring your homework with you and do it on the way!" Ganju ordered, not really knowing what homework was. OH WELL!

" Well…" Said Ichigo slowly. It's not like he doesn't WANT to go on a Road Trip across the USA. Who WOULDN'T want to go? But Ichigo Kurosaki has RESPONSIBILITIES! Like SAVING Kuchiki Rukia!

…

" Okay, let's say I DID go with you. How are we going to get to America anyway? This is JAPAN, in case you didn't notice!" Ichigo said grumpily, pointing at Ganju's shirt.

" IMPOSHIBBIBLE!" Agreed Shoopuf Dude.

" We'll ask Urahara of course!" Said Ganju because Urahara has all the answers.

" … and what are we going to get around in? Your stupid pig?" Ichigo asked as a last attempt at pretending he didn't mind abandoning everything to go on a random Road Trip with Ganju.

" My CAR!" Ganju said enthusiastically.

NOW he had Ichigo in the bag. It's one thing if Ganju asked you to go somewhere. It's another thing if he asked you to go somewhere… IN HIS CAR! It's just like when your COOL friend drives you around in a car, except this time it's Ganju driving you around! Not as cool, more smelly, but it's still a car.

" Okay." Said Ichigo. " Let me go get some things."

" OH-KAY!" Said Ganju, willing to stand there for as long as it took.

And now, just so you know… and I know you LOVE to know… here's what Ichigo packed upstairs!

Clean CLOTHING!

A TOOTHBRUSH!

His Cell Phone!

Deodorant!

A Soul Society Glove that he can whack HIMSELF in the face with! No, I don't think that works, but WHY NOT! He's run out of Soul Candy anyway!

The M Encylopedia!

A hairbrush!

Paper!

A pencil!

His Game Boy!

Harvest Moon Friends of Mineral Town!

And of course, his Dr. Schells Gellin' Footpads! HE'S GELLIN'!

" ICHIGOOO! LET ME OUUUT! HELP! HELP! I CAN'T STOP SPIIIIINING!" Kon screamed because he was still going through the spin cycle. Ichigo kicked the washing machine open and popped Kon into his suitcase just for the hell of it. Then he ran downstairs to where Ganju was still patiently waiting like a fool.

" All-ready?" Ganju asked Ichigo.

" Sure. Let's go." Said Ichigo, and they walked outside to where Ganju's car was waiting.

What did Ganju's car look like, you ask? Well… imagine the BATMOBILE.

Have it pictured in your head? All black and sleek and shiny? Got it? Good.

…because it looks nothing like the Batmobile. HA-HA! Now you're stuck imagining that it LOOKS like the Batmobile just because I said that! And I'm not going to tell you what it REALLY looks like because I don't FEEL like it!

MWHAHAHAHA!

Ichigo commented on Ganju's car, but we won't let you hear that because it might give that mysterymobile's identity away. Then he started to pile in with Ganju in the front seat, when all of a sudden… Ichigo's father, AKA, The Coolest Dad Ever, came walking up.

" GASP!" Said Isshin. " Ichigo! My son! Are you getting into a car with a stranger who I don't even know, and go to a place far, far away without any parental supervision!"

" Yep." Said Ichigo.

" Okay." Said Isshin and randomly jumped onto the hood of the car. " BRING ME BACK A PIZZA!" And then he jumped off and walked back into the house as if that were a normal thing to do. Which, coincidentally for him, IT WAS!

" Okay!" Said Ganju. " Let's go to Urahara's!"

" How do you even KNOW where Urahara is? Or WHO he is?" Ichigo asked as Ganju started to drive down the street.

" There are many things I know, Ichigo…" Ganju said in a mysterious voice, covering up the enormous plot-hole that is this fanfiction.

" Whatever." Said Ichigo, and turned around. Then he jumped about five million feet in the air. Then it took four minutes for him to come back down. BUT THEN, he saw that Hanatarou was sitting there in the backseat like he BELONGED there.

" Hello Ichigo-san." Said Hanatarou meekly. He was wearing a Mickey-Mouse hat too, but it was a little big for his head. His shirt said I HAVE DECIDED TO PUT MYSELF IN CHARGE, which was really poorly chosen on whoever had given it to him's behalf.

" Hanatarou!" Ichigo demanded. " You're coming too!"

" Of course he is! Who else is going to carry our things and read the directions and bandage us up after we get into trouble?" Ganju demanded.

" THAT'S true." Said Ichigo.

Hanatarou chuckled like a sickly Kureno. By now, he's very used to being Ichigo and Ganju's little monkey, so it's not like he was offended by this statement. I don't think Hanatarou can even GET offended.

" Well, then, let's get going! Next stop… URAHARA SHOTEN!" Ganju yelled, and kicked the pedal to the metal. And so the road trip was UNDERWAY!

HURRAH!

OMAKE!

Hello. I'm Hayley Wallace. You may know me from such fanfics as Legal Shoopuf, Shooball, or Shoopuf Basket. Yes, I was writing Shoopuf Basket Platinum, but then I realized that I wasn't. Oh well! The omake is a section where we answer your questions! It can be any question you want just as long as it isn't about the three things I hate the most.

Shelinda

Teddiursa

Epona

In THAT order.

And now let's meet our Review Crew! Even if we're answering questions, we demand to be called the REVIEW CREW! HAH!

(yes, I was so lazy that I just copied this)

First is everyone's favorite writer, artist, otaku, high school girl and random loud idiot, ME! HAYLEY! HURRAH! Feel free to ask me any question that doesn't make me feel threatened and want to move to another state and delete any trace of me on the internet! YOSH!

Next is… Carl! The Sarcastic Talking Purple Wooper! He's HERE this time and he's taking names!

Carl: Bite me.

And everyone's favorite big lovable lug… BIGFOOT! FOOT-CHAN!

Bigfoot: HELLO EVERY PEOPLE.

The three of us team up to answer your questons, whatever they may be! And each time after the next chapter, we will have a FEATURED guest. (oooh)

So please enjoy Shoopuf Society, don't mention those three things I mentioned, and ASK QUESTIONS!

Ja!


	2. Urahara Shoten!

Chapter 2

Urahara Shoten!

Before we begin… am I the ONLY person that finds it amusing that in the year and a half it's taken me to update this, ONE BILLION new characters in Bleach have been introduced? And that's not counting the Bounto. Because no one counts the Bounto. Unless you do. And if you do, I hope you stop soon. Because they suck. Hard.

ANYWAY!

Ichigo and Ganju and Hanatarou were on their way to Urahara Shoten so they could get their Road Trip across the United States UNDER WAY! However, before they could get there… they had to take care of some business!

"LAZY DAYS… HELP ME THROUGH THE HELPLESS HAZE BUT MY OH MY…!" Ganju sang in a voice that sounded more like he was gargling vinegar and pulled into a nearby Taco Bell. "We better get our stamina up for our trip! What do you guys want?"

"I don't really like Taco Bell," said Ichigo. In fact, he thought it was DISGUSTING.

"I see," said Ganju, but instead of asking Ichigo what he DID like, and driving them through there, he just continued on his way. He didn't ask Hanatarou what he would like to eat because Hanatarou doesn't eat! If Hanatarou tried to eat, his food would eat HIM!

"Hello, welcome to Taco Bell, would you like to try our blah blah blah…" said some random Taco Bell person.

"NO!" said Ganju with a little more passion than was needed, then he said, "I'd like eight Chalupas please!"

Ichigo gaped at Ganju. "EIGHT Chalupas?"

"And a bean burrito!" Ganju proclaimed.

Ichigo continued to stare at Ganju in shock with his mouth wide open. Ganju didn't seem to notice and continued on his merry way to the pick up window. There he picked up his eight chalupas and his bean burrito and paid another random Taco Bell person. Then he drove off and the Taco Bell exploded.

Oh, wait… you're wondering why the Taco Bell exploded? (GROAN) Fine, fine…

I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.

I think Bleach is remarkable in that almost NO ONE ever explodes in it! But, Taco Bell is not as remarkable as Bleach, so you musn't be expecting very much from it.

"Mmm… I love Chalupas!" Ganju smacked through a mouthful of chalupa, driving haphazardly through the streets with one hand on the wheel.

Ichigo, whose expression had not yet changed, decided to give his opinion. "Chalupas are DISGUSTING. Taco Bell is DISGUSTING. Dude, you're going to get really FAT."

"SHUT UP!" Ganju yelled, sending chalupa bits flying at Ichigo. "I am NOT the fat Kaien sibling!" Even though he is! I bet you never saw Kaien eating that many chalupas… no sirree.

"Whatever," said Ichigo, "you could at least watch where you're driving."

"Why? Do you think I'm as weak as YOU that I need to WATCH where I'm driving?!"

"EVERYONED NEEDS TO WATCH WHERE THEY'RE DRIVING, RETARD!"

"Not ME!" Ganju said with a big cheesy chalupa Kenji grin, and then he ran smack dab into the middle of a tree. HUR HUR HUR! Luckily, everyone had been sure to tighten their seatbelts, so there were no injuries to anything but Ganju's pride.

"SEE, LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID, DUMBASS!" said Ichigo. "You just got your STUPID car wrecked!"

"LIKE THAT'S A BIG DEAL!" Ganju retorted, then looked back at Hanatarou, who was trembling and whimpering because the crash had scared him. "Oi, Hana, go heal the front of my car."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Hanatarou cannot heal CARS."

"Yes he can! He's in the HEALING division, DUH."

"Healing PEOPLE! Not CARS!"

"YES CARS!"

"There are no cars in Soul Society!"

"You don't know that!"

"You don't know anything!"

"HANA CAN HEAL CARS!"

"NO HE CAN'T!"

"Please don't fight!" said Hanatarou, but he was ignored.

"WHATEVER!" said Ichigo, and he pointed at the library, because that is where Ganju had ever so conveniently crashed. "I'm going to go find a book on Manta Rays. And when I come back, I expect YOU'LL be owing ME an apology!"

"OOOH, MANTA RAYS!" Ganju said in a mock-scared voice. "Look at me, I'm Kurosaki Ichigo, I think I'm so smart just because I like to read about MANTA RAYS!"

"I DON'T LIKE TO READ ABOUT THEM, I HAVE TO DO A SUMMER REPORT ON THEM!"

"HA! THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!"

"YOU'RE STUPID!"

For God's SAKE! This could go on forever! Luckily, it didn't, because Ichigo got so fed up with Ganju that he just LEFT for the library. Of course, he was in an extremely foul mood, and since Ichigo's face NORMALLY looks like he's pissed, you can only imagine how angry he looks now.

"I need a book on Manta Rays," he told the library lady in a surly voice.

"It sounds more like YOU need a book on rainbows and sunshine!" said the library lady who we'll call Librarian Joy.

"Um… no, I need one on Manta Rays," said Ichigo.

"You're just like that other grumpy young man who came in here earlier," Librarian Joy chuckled like Kureno. "Why don't you come with me and then you two can cheer each other up?"

"Uh…" said Ichigo, but Librarian Joy had already dragged him off towards the little kids reading place. YOU KNOW, the one with the brightly colored tables and comfy bean bag chairs. And who should be sitting in one of those bean bag chairs, but… URYUU ISHIDA! QUINCY!

Ishida was reading a children's book about a spider that could sew quilts with some interest. However, when he looked up and saw Ichigo, he immediately shoved it off the table and glared.

"Kurosaki…!" he hissed, because he's a nerd that remembers you have to WHISPER when you're at the library.

"ISHIDA!" Ichigo exclaimed, because he's an idiot who doesn't.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the whole library screamed.

"See? You've already made a new friend!" said Librarian Joy, whose IQ is a total of 32. "Now you can learn more about each other!" Then she left and exploded and was replaced by a much smarter librarian.

"Um… what are you doing here?" Ichigo asked.

"OBVIOUSLY," said Ishida and did his glasses thing, "I came here to work on my report. However, that woman said I looked too depressed… and somehow I winded up here," he added, as if it would have really been that hard to get up and WALK AWAY from the table.

"Oh," said Ichigo. "Well, I came in to get a book on Manta Rays."

"Manta Rays," Ishida snickered. "You think a report on MANTA Rays could ever top one on Badgers? Is that what you were thinking with that tiny little brain of yours, Kurosaki? Well, you're wrong. Badgers will ALWAYS triumph Manta Rays. And I will prove it."

"I don't really care," Ichigo pointed out.

"…that attitude of yours really pisses me off!" Ishida muttered, since he didn't know what to say and that's one of those stock Bleach dialogues anyone can use.

"Whatever," said Ichigo. "I only came in here because Ganju crashed his stupid car."

"Wait – Ganju-kun is HERE? And he has a CAR?" Ishida asked.

"Yeah," said Ichigo. "He's taking me on a Road Trip across the United States."

"A Road Trip – that's IMPOSSIBLE! You can't take a Road Trip across the United States with a car from here! This is Japan! It's an ISLAND!" Ishida exclaimed, because the very idea was STUPID! And stupid things annoy him!

"Maybe it's a car that can drive over water," said Ichigo.

"CARS CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER!" Ishida yelled and the whole library shushed him.

"Well, right now we're on our way to Urahara Shoten," said Ichigo, then he sighed. "Well, I guess if I can't find a book on Manta Rays I'll just go see how Ganju and Hanatarou are doing." UM. It's not like you looked very hard, Ichigo.

Ishida tried to pretend like he wasn't interested, but before Ichigo could walk off, he stood up and said, "Wait, Kurosaki… are you guys… uh… well…"

"Yeah?"

"You're going to ALL the states in America? All of them?"

"Pretty sure."

"All of them. Even Wyoming."

"If Wyoming's a state."

"Then you'll be going to Wyoming."

"I GUESS," said Ichigo with barely upheld patience.

"I see," said Ishida. Then he did his glasses thing. "Fine." THEN he walked out of the library as if that were the normal thing to do. Ichigo frowned and followed him.

Outside, Ganju was standing on the sidewalk and watching Hanatarou as he put his hands over the broken car. On further inspection, Ichigo realized that he was watching Hanatarou HEAL the car! BY GOD!

"What the hell?! He can really heal a car?!" Ichigo demanded.

"Told ya!" Ganju laughed. "Who's the smart one NOW?!"

"Me," said Ichigo, but before he and Ganju could get into it again, Ishida stepped in front of him.

"Ganju-kun," he said, "I heard you're going a road trip. I'd like to ask to come along."

"WHAT?!" Ichigo exclaimed.

"You want to come?" Ganju asked, chomping away on his last chalupa. "Well, sure! The more the merrier! Plus it might help to have a nerd with us!"

"…yes…" said Ishida with his anger barely held in check.

"But you just said that a road trip was impossible!" Ichigo protested. "Why are you changing your mind all of a sudden?"

"Well, Kurosaki… that's for me to know, and you to find out," Ishida told him with a mysterious smile. AWK!

"The healing is over!" said Hanatarou.

"Now we can get moving again!" Ganju declared and they all piled back into the car. Did anyone THANK Hanatarou? No. But does anyone THANK their white mage while they play an RPG? No. I didn't think so.

"How did you guys crash this car in the first place?" Ishida wanted to know as Ganju started driving.

"Because THIS idiot doesn't watch where he's driving," Ichigo said in a stage whisper, pointing at Ganju.

"What are you guys talking about?" Ganju asked, turning around.

CRASH!

HOOONK!

It was a peaceful day at Urahara Shoten! Tessai was making tea, Ururu was playing indoor hopskotch, and Jinta was… SUDDENLY CRUSHED UNDER THE WHEELS OF GANJU'S CAR!

Yes. At that moment, Ganju's car burst straight through the front of Urahara Shoten and right over Jinta. Urahara Shoten was Ganju's ninth crash of the day and Jinta was his third victim! NOT shabby!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" yelled Ishida and Ichigo, even though they should have been used to it at that point.

"YO!" said Ganju, standing up and putting his foot on the wheel like a retard.

Tessai and Ururu stared at Jinta's corpse underneath the wheels of Ganju's car.

"Oh my God…" rumbled Tessai.

"They killed Jinta-kun!" Ururu squeaked.

Then everyone got over it because, well, nobody cares about Jinta.

"We were expecting you, Ganju-dono," said Tessai. "Would you care for some tea?"

"I don't drink tea! I drink Mr. Pibb! By the gallon!" Ganju declared.

"I see," said Tessai, and he turned to Ichigo and Ishida, who were trying to get their heartbeats to slow. "Well, how about you two?"

"Yes please," said Ishida like a dork. Ichigo shook his head.

Tessai and Ururu went to go get Ishida his tea, while everyone piled out of Ganju's car and sat around the big table that you ALWAYS sit around when you go to Urahara Shoten. Of course, Ganju hadn't run over THAT. You couldn't run over that if you tried!

"I'm not so sure I can take fifty states of Ganju-kun driving like that," Ishida murmured.

"America has FIFTY STATES?!" Ichigo demanded.

"Whatever!" Ganju snorted. "My car driving is just as good as my boar driving!"

_You don't have good boar driving, _Ishida and Ichigo thought.

"Here's your tea," Ururu squeaked, bringing it to Ishida. And who should follow her, but… CHAD! YAAAY! He held a big platter of ever, EVER so slightly burnt ginger snaps.

"Ginger snap?" he asked them.

"CHAD! SADO! SADO-KUN! YASUTORA! WHATEVER!" everyone exclaimed.

"Sado, what the hell are YOU doing here?" Ichigo asked.

"I'm always right behind you, Ichigo," said Chad and gave him a thumbs up, and Ichigo smiled knowingly, and it was like, MANLY BONDING FTW!!

"Sado-kun often comes here for recipe swaps with Tessai," said everyone's favorite member of Urahara Shoten… URAHARA! DUR! He walked into the room.

"Urahara-san!" Ichigo exclaimed, as if COMING to Urahara Shoten to ask for Urahara's help had NOT made him expect to see Urahara.

"Hi Kurosaki-kun! I hear you're going on a road-trip! Along with let's see… Ganju-kun, Ishida-kun… and perhaps room for one more?" he added, pointing at Chad.

"Of COURSE he can come!" said Ichigo.

"UM. My roadtrip, MY rules," said Ganju, but of course he let Chad come. You don't NOT let Chad come.

"Is that all?" Urahara asked. "Eh… don't you guys think this roadtrip is going to end up being a little BORING with just guys?"

"Why would it be boring?" they all asked.

Urahara sighed. "Nevermind. What I'm trying to say is, isn't there anyone else you'd like to invite? Anyone FEMALE?" he added when Ichigo and the rest all just continued to gaze at him stupidly.

"HA, I figured I'd just pick up American babes on the WAY!" Ganju proclaimed, then wiped some Chalupa crumbs off his lips.

"A girl…" Ishida looked at Ichigo. "Hey, how about Inoue-san?"

"Yeah!" said Ichigo. "Inoue! I'll give her a call!" And he whipped out his cell phone and did so! But no one picked up! Hey… why wasn't she answering? Where's Orihime?

All of a sudden, a group of chipmunks that had somehow sucessfully disguised themselves as a Japanese boy band started singing, "Oerta… AWAI TSUBASA DA…!"

"Wait a minute," said Ichigo, "now INOUE'S trapped in a tower?!"

NO, SILLY. She's trapped in a ROOM! …in a tower.

"What happened to RUKIA being in a tower?" Ichigo demanded Urahara.

Suddenly, a shadow passed over Urahara's face, and it was like he only had ONE eye, but don't worry, the other one's still there. It hasn't gone anywhere. "Kuchiki-san… is now suffering a worse fate."

"A worse fate than a TOWER?" Ichigo wondered. How could there be ANY worse fate in BLEACH?

"Kuchiki-san's brother-in-law, Byakuya, felt bad after nearly allowing her to be executed during the Aizen conspiracy," Urahara continued in his deathly serious voice. "He has decided to make it up to her… by taking her to Six Flags."

A silence gripped the room. Nobody could think of ANYTHING more uncomfortable than having to go with BYAKUYA to Six Flags. I mean, it's hard enough just to enjoy FOOD with Byakuya. SIX FLAGS?!

"Poor Kuchiki-san," Ishida murmured.

"I bet he's sucking the fun out of EVERYTHING. Even the cotton candy," said Ganju.

"Rukia…!" Ichigo said.

"So, as you're making your way from state to state, it might be nice of you to stop in the ones that have a Six Flags and look for Kuchiki!" Urahara said cheerfully, snapping his little fan out of nowhere.

"But how are you going to get us to the United States from Japan?" Ishida asked.

"Follow me…" said Urahara. "In the car."

"In the car?" Ishida repeated.

"Yeah," said Urahara, gesturing towards the back room. "Just drive the car downstairs."

"Um… won't that… break stuff?" Ichigo asked.

Urahara just walked enigmatically off.

"OKAY!" said Ganju, who has no qualms about breaking stuff, jumped into the car and went speeding into the wall. Then he rammed THROUGH the wall and they all heard the car fall about twenty feet down and crash. Of course, Ichigo, Ishida and Chad hadn't also gotten into the car. They're not Ganju.

"If no one wants a ginger snap," said Chad, "I'll wrap them up… to save for later."

"Okay," said Ishida and Ichigo, staring at the car-shaped hole in the wall.

HOOONK!

After Chad wrapped up the ginger snaps, they all gathered down in Urahara's little portable training room of cliffs and sky and FUN! Urahara was standing in front of a big spinny portal thingy and Hanatarou was healing Ganju's poor car again.

"All you have to do to get to America is go through here!" said Urahara.

"What is HERE?" Ishida asked.

"It's know as a Plot Hole," said Urahara. "This is quite a large one."

"Which state will it take us to?" Ichigo asked.

"Rhode Island," said Urahara and some random chickens came out and started singing, "RHOOODE ISLAND! RHOOODE ISLAND!"

YEAH! SING IT!

RHODE ISLAND, RHODE ISLAND,

THEIR MASCOT IS A CHICKEN, AND THAT'S ALL WE KNOW ABOUT THEM,

RHODE ISLAND, RHODE ISLAND,

IT'S AN ISLAND AND ITS BIRD IS THE RHODE CHICKEN,

SO ITS NAME IS COMPRISED OF TWO ELEMENTS OF ITS CHARACTERISTICS,

RHODE ISLAND, RHODE ISLAND,

THEIR MASCOT IS A CHICKEN, AND THAT'S ALL WE KNOW ABOUT THEM!

YEAH!

…

"Well, then, I hope you have a wonderful time in America!" said Urahara. "Don't forget to bring me back a souvenier."

"We won't!" everyone chuckled like Kureno, but not really. They pretended not to hear and got into Ganju's car.

"Ready… steady… GO!" Ganju yelled and drove towards the Plot Hole at MAX speed!

"Hey… WAIT!" Ishida exclaimed suddenly. "I forgot to get a change of clothing!"

"REAL men don't need a change of clothing!" Ganju declared.

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

"I have some extra clothes," said Ichigo. "You can borrow 'em if you want Ishida."

"Borrow YOUR clothes?" Ishida repeated, then scoffed. "Sure, Kurosaki, if I wanted to look like an IDIOT."

"MY CLOTHES ARE COOL!"

"Your clothes are INFERIOR. I bet you don't even know what designer's label they are!"

"Designer's label?" Ichigo repeated with a blank look.

"Oh God," said Ishida, "why am I doing this?"

But before anyone could TELL him why, they all SHOT through the Plot Hole and into… a realm NOBODY knows!

Urahara watched the plot hole close, then scratched the back of his head.

"Oh yeah," he said. "I guess I should have told him that Aizen and his gang were also taking a Road Trip across the United States…"

UM.

"Oh well," Urahara shrugged and wandered off. "I guess they'll just have to find out for themselves."

UM!

OMAKE!!

Um... wow. But hey, what can you expect during the long boring summer of boringness? Random Updates ALL AROUND! HURRAH! But right now I'm in a Bleachy mood, so I'm sure you can expect at least one or two more chapters before college starts... or who knows? MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT AROUND THE US IN JUST THIRTY DAYS BEFORE I HAVE A LIFE AGAIN!

POSSIBILITIES!

And I love the possibilities of QUESTIONS! ALRIGHT!

Suuki:Why does everyone like to take roadtrips? Don't they know its DANGEROUS? xP

I KNOW! Roadtrips should have some sort of hazard warning, so that everytime you say, HEY GUYS! Let's go on a ROADTRIP! some deep-voiced dude like the guy in the movie theaters says, AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Nakigara: Hayley: what happened to the ginger snaps?? Were they burnt??! Did he have to throw them away? (oh noes!)

Well, now you KNOW!

Carl: sings Are you gonna pay, are you gonna pay, are you gonna pay, last year's rent? this year's rent? rent rent rent! RENT!

OH EM GEE... I finally saw that movie. It was crazy. And that was the best song in it.

Bigfoot: boo!

Bigfoot: BOO HOO HOO! (runs off crying)

Oi, oi, Foot-chan, shikaru de...

The Maine Coone Cat:

1. Are there gonna' be any Fruits Basket cameos?

I am not so sure as of yet... hmm... but if there are, then YOU were expecting them! (applause for you)

2. What the hack IS a Wooper, anyway? Are they all mean like Carl?

Wooper is the ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY FOURTH POKEMON ON THE NATIONAL DEX. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! It evolves into QUAGSIRE, but why would you want them to?! Hey, Carl, are all the Wooper bastards like you?

Carl: ...all the other Wooper are stupid.

Ah, I see you still have emotional scars of being outed because of your purple nature.

Carl: SHUT THE HELL UP! I DO NOT!

Sure ye don't laddie, aye!

3. Uh...I don't know...what's your favorite color??

I believe I have answered this question before! I don't have a favorite color.

Nobody 1-2-3: Are you ever going to continue this? It's really funny... Or do you not have the interest and/or time to do so?

Now YOU KNOW!

Carl: She just updates/starts/restarts anything whenever the hell she feels like it.

YEP! THAAAAAT'S ME!

Well, that about wraps up Omake for the day! But... hark! Listen! If you ever felt like ASKING Kurosaki Ichigo about SOMETHING... he just might be the special guest next time! And he just might listen to what you are asking!

HINT HINT HINT HINT AAAAAAAAARGH!

Ja!


	3. Renji is a Loser

Chapter 3

Renji is a Loser

Once upon a time, there was a sister and a brother who loved to play Super Smash Bros Melee. They played it everytime they had nothing else to do. Being both fairly seasoned gamers, they quickly unlocked all there was to unlock, which included the game's many secret characters.

One of these characters was Mr. Game And Watch. No one really thought much of Game and Watch, meaning that he wasn't often played by anyone, nor was he changed when the COM randomly chose him, like the Ice Climbers are. And, unlike the other characters, Mr. Game and Watch never received any affectionate nicknames or funny voices. He was just there.

The sister and the brother played this game so much that they started to notice things. One of the things they noticed was that Mr. Game and Watch NEVER won. Never. I don't mean he never won tournaments or he never won in story mode – I mean he NEVER won. He seemed to have AMAZINGLY bad luck.

On a impulse, they checked the game's victory records, and there it was: Out of over 45,000 matches, Mr. Game and Watch had only ever won ELEVEN times. Eleven.

The sister and brother thought this was so funny that they started to make sure Mr. Game and Watch KEPT losing. Because if everyone else kept winning, and Mr. Game and Watch still kept LOSING, and hanging onto his pathetic eleven wins, well… that was funny! It even got to the point where, if Mr. Game and Watch, by some freak accident, managed to get on his way to a win, the sister and brother RESET the game, and laughed long and hard.

And so, Mr. Game and Watch never won. He is a loser.

Now,

Renji is a loser. He is such a loser it's not even funny. And I'm not talking about loser in the sense that he's a dork. I mean, he is a dork, but so is most everyone in Bleach. Renji is a loser because he LOSES. He loses every big blown out SHONEN fight that he's in.

Case one: Renji VS Ichigo (first time)

Sure, it LOOKS like Renji is going to win… but he doesn't. Ichigo breaks his headband, and was probably ABOUT to win, but then Byakuya stepped in and saved him.

Case two: Renji VS Ichigo (second time)

Ichigo PWNS Renji with a capital P, and then Renji CRIES and has angsty FLASHBACKS, and the VIOLIN music plays, and he BEGS Ichigo to save Rukia. He has lost again.

Case three: Renji VS Byakuya

Okay, they built this one up A LOT. Renji trains and he trains, and he ATTAINS Ban-kai for this. He even gets new clothes. And you're all like, 'Finally! Renji is gonna get the respect Renji deserves!' But does he? No! Renji getting his Ban-kai and his fighting spirit up was all just an excuse for Byakuya to use HIS superior Ban-kai, and defeat Renji again.

Okay, that's three big battles, three big losses. Let's move on.

Case Four: The Most Unintentionally Funny Scene in Bleach Ever

They save Rukia, blah blah blah… Ichigo throws Rukia down and tells Renji to get her out of there. That's because Renji has BAD JOOJOO and he wants him gone. So Renji takes Rukia and he runs and he runs and he runs… he runs for like TWO EPISODES down that hill. And then what happens? Kaname pops out of nowhere and teleports them RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY STARTED! I laughed until I CRIED! And now I think I'll go laugh again! HAHAHAHA… RENJI! All for NOTHING! AHAHAHAHA!

Case Five: The Sealed Sword Frenzy

Yes, Renji was beaten in this OVA too. Just in time for ICHIGO to come and save the day. Hur hur hur.

Case Six: The Bitto

In the FILLER, Renji lost to BUGS. Called BITTO. Saving a little KID. If that's not lame, I don't know what is.

Case Seven: El Forte

It may SEEM like Renji won, but he didn't. He got help – and what's more, he got help from Ururu. A little GIRL.

Case Eight: Alpuyo or whatever that Arrancar's crazy name is

And NOW he had to be saved by Ishida. Unfortunately, his bad joojoo has spread to Ishida too, but we're all still waiting to see what will happen after this.

See? I think I've made my point. Renji NEVER wins. NEVER. If you want to argue, then feel free to send me some account of when he DID win, but I'm telling you, he doesn't. He has no win. If you said, Renji FTW! Everyone would just look at you like you're stupid. Because you are. Renji is FTL! (for the lose)

Now, I think what Kubo Tite is doing to Renji is similar to what that brother and sister did to Mr. Game and Watch. They noticed he hadn't been winning at all, then they went out of their way to make sure he NEVER won, so it would be funny. Or maybe not. Maybe Renji will surprise me one of these days and actually WIN a fight. Or, as always, maybe Ichigo will just keep reaping in all the glory.

I don't know. I just don't know. But I do know one thing. Renji loses. EVERYTHING.

HOOONK!

"Hey, Taichou, can I borrow a nickel?"

Byakuya took about fifteen minutes to turn his head towards Renji, and then fifteen MORE minutes to grace his question with WORDS.

"…why?"

"This frickin' soda machine says I still owe it a nickel," said Renji, and then he KICKED that soda machine! WHY YOU SO GREEDY, SODA MACHINE?! YOU DON'T NEED NO NICKEL!

"Renji, don't kick that! You might break it!" Rukia protested.

"Will not!" Renji retorted but he stopped anyway. "Come on, Taichou, please? I'm thirsty as hell."

"…very well," said Byakuya as if Renji had just asked him to do assisted suicide, and he reached down into his jeans and pulled out the smoothest, leatheriest wallet you have ever seen. Why was he wearing jeans you ask? Because he was in dah REAL WORLD! And so was Rukia! And just in case you're slow, SO WAS RENJI!

They were in the hotel lobby waiting for an escort from Soul Society to take them to Six Flags! Why was Renji there? Because Byakuya wasn't about to go ALONE with Rukia. Plus, Renji had more or less secretly begged to go, since he had always wanted to go to Six Flags.

Byakuya opened his wallet and then he pulled out the shiniest, silveryist, most REFINED looking nickel in the world. He gazed at it for a few seconds, then ever so slightly extended his hand towards Renji.

"Thanks Taichou!" Renji exclaimed and bounded over to Byakuya. But the second he tried to grab the nickel, Byakuya closed his fist around it.

"I will expect payback in two days," said Byakuya.

"Payback for a NICKEL?" Renji repeated.

Byakuya just stared at him like he was stupid.

"Uh… okay," said Renji, and held his hand open. He waited for Byakuya to hand him the nickel. Byakuya waited awhile, as if he were expecting Renji to STOP wanting the nickel, then he dropped it into his palm.

While Renji cavorted back to go get his soda, Rukia looked at Byakuya.

"Um… Nii-sama…"

"Yes, Rukia?" Byakuya asked.

"You don't have to do this…"

"Why?" asked Byakuya. "Do you not like Six Flags, Rukia? Is it unsatisfactory?"

"No, no!" Rukia exclaimed. "It's just, well… Nii-sama, do YOU really want to go to Six Flags?"

Byakuya stared at Rukia. She tried to garner an answer from this, but it was the same look Byakuya ALWAYS has on. As if you are asking the stupidest question in the world. I think to Byakuya, the questions, "Do YOU really want to go to Six Flags?" and, "Do you HAVE to keep on breathing in air to live?" are the same thing.

"Nevermind," said Rukia, and luckily Renji came back guzzling soda, so Byakuya had someone else to stare at.

"This is good!" Renji said, then he swung the soda around. "Hey, you wanna taste Rukia?"

"Renji, you just slobbered all over it," said Rukia.

"Hey, I don't slobber!" Renji said hotly. He was thinking, _If Rukia drinks from this, it'll be like we KISSED…! _

"Hand that over to me," said Byakuya.

Renji stared at Byakuya, shocked. Then it occurred to him that he was about to indirectly pass saliva with his CAPTAIN! EEEEEEEWWW! But he had to do it! He had to do as Byakuya said! He had to kinda sorta KISS him!

"H-here you go!" said Renji and he looked away as Byakuya took the can.

But Byakuya didn't indirectly kiss Renji. Instead, he stared at the back of the can intensely. Finally, he held it up and showed Renji and Rukia.

On the back of the can, it said, 25 DOLLARS OFF YOUR TICKET TO SIX FLAGS!

"WHOA!" Renji exclaimed, then he looked back at the soda machine as if it were some kind of GOD. "HOW THE HELL DID IT KNOW WE WERE GOING TO SIX FLAGS?!"

"Twenty-five dollars off!" said Rukia, who had been feeling guilty about Byakuya paying, even though he's a rich humbug with too much money. "How much were the tickets, Nii-sama?"

"Forty dollars apiece," said Byakuya.

"And we were plannin' on staying a whole week…" said Renji.

"So seven days and forty dollars, for three people…" said Rukia.

"That is eight hundred and forty dollars," Byakuya stated, because he's SMART. "We need thirty three of these cans. Renji…" He tossed Renji a wad of twenty dollar bills. And because he's BYAKUYA, and not ANYONE, the bills FLEW like a paper airplane instead of just landing on the floor. "Buy out that machine."

"Yes sir!" Renji said and proceeded to feed the soda machine all of Byakuya's money. The coca cola started coming out like chickens in a rainstorm! DA-HUCK! Unfortunately, after Renji had amassed only a measley nineteen coca colas, the machine ran out.

"Aw, come on!" Renji whined, jabbing the button as if that would DO something.

Byakuya walked over to the machine and stared at it as if THAT would so something. And believe me, that Soda Machine was afraid for its life! It wished that it could turn all its Splash and Nestea into Coca Cola to please Byakuya, but it couldn't! It was just a simple machine! (sob)

"Um, there are other, soda machines," Rukia pointed out, since her experience in the real world had taught her such things.

"Like where?" Renji asked.

"Stores… street corners… lots of places really," said Rukia.

"Very well," said Byakuya. "Renji – find a box in which to put those and begin drinking them immediately."

"Drink ALL of them?" Renji asked. That's a LOT of sodas to drink! Even for him!

"I'm sorry. Did you not understand the order?" Byakuya said icily and Renji hurried off to find a box, lest he awaken passive aggressive RAGE!

Renji ran around the hotel like a fool, looking for a box. But he was at a hotel for people, not for boxes, so it was very hard to find one. Finally, when he had lost all hope of finding one, and was about to bring Byakuya back a trash can, which is definitely not a box and definitely not sanitary, he suddenly found himself walking into a random room!

"Hello!" said That Buddy Barn Guy, looking to appear in every random Shoopuf Dude story I write in my life. He was standing behind a counter, surrounded by millions and MILLIONS of boxes! Small boxes, big boxes, wooden boxes, steel boxes, boom boxes, XBOXES!

"Welcome to the Buddy Barn Room of Requirement!" he said. "And from the LOOKS of it, YOU require a box!"

"Well… uh… yeah… hey, what the hell is this?"

"What KIND of box?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked Renji, ignoring the question.

"A box that can hold thirty three cans of coke, I guess," said Renji.

"I've got JUST the one!" And that Buddy Barn Guy whipped out a box that had JUST the right width and JUST the right length to hold exactly thirty three cans of coca cola! WOW!

"That'll be thirty-three dollars!" said that Buddy Barn Guy.

"I don't HAVE thirty-three dollars!" Renji protested. He had LOST it all, gambling!

"Do you have a credit card?"

"A WHAT?"

That Buddy Barn Guy gave a deep sigh. "Great. Just great. Here I am, doing my job to move the plot along, and I don't even get PAID. Well, fine. You know what? TAKE your box. But you owe me, my red pineapple haired friend. You owe me thirty three dollars and I expect it back in two days."

ARGH! Now Renji has to come up with thirty three dollars AND a nickel in two days! The numbers just keep crunching!

"Here ya go!" said That Buddy Barn Guy and tossed the box over to Renji. Then he whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn guys go. Except, all the boxes were still there.

_Maybe I should have just waited and then TAKEN the boxes, _Renji thought, but then he remembered Byakuya was waiting, so he hurried back.

"Got it, Taichou!" he exclaimed, holding the perfect box.

"So you can do something right every once and awhile," Byakuya drawled, then pointed at the sodas. "Put them inside, then start drinking."

"Yes sir!" Renji said, and he threw all the soda bottles in. They all assembled like they were BORN to assemble, and then it really did look like they BELONGED there. Then Renji took out a soda and started guzzling it down. He would drink all the soda! He would prove it to Byakuya! He would GET RUKIA BACK! Even though she was right there! YEAH!

"Rukia, lead us to where we may find more of these objects," said Byakuya.

"…okay," said Rukia, watching Renji finish chugging one soda and furiously starting on the next.

So Rukia took Byakuya to a place that she KNEW would have lots of soda! The front of Wal-mart! Of course, Byakuya didn't know how COMMON and UNREFINED Wal-mart is, otherwise he wouldn't have shown his face there. They found a soda machine right away!

"Renji…" Byakuya started to say, then he realized Renji was busy. He was on his eleventh coke and he was drinking them so fast that the coke kept pouring all over his shirt. But he would not stop! Not even if he CHOKED!

"Yes, Taichou!" Renji gasped, desperate to breathe in air. Then the coke caught up to him and he belched in a very loud, rude manner.

Byakuya stared at Renji, then shook his head. "Continue. I will take care of this."

While Renji started on his TWELTH coke, Byakuya took out some money and faced the soda machine. He looked at the money… then he looked at the slot! Then he looked at the money… and looked at the slot again!

"Um, Nii-sama, do you want any assistance?" Rukia asked. What she WANTED to say was, "Can you not figure out how to use a soda machine?" but that would have been TOO bold, Mr. Turner, HUR HUR HUR!

"No," said Byakuya, and then he tried pressing his dollar bill against the button with a coke on it. Unsuprisingly, nothing happened.

Then Byakuya tried placing the money as an offering where the soda should come OUT. He sat there and gave it his best Byakuya stare. Yet again, nothing happened.

Byakuya walked around to the back of the machine and stared at the plug. Then he went onto the side and stared at the… side. Finally, he came back to the front and pressed the change button.

Three quarters popped out! SOMEONE almost got a soda and then for an unfathomable reason, decided NOT to get one! Of course, this only ADDED to poor Byakuya's well-hidden confusion!

"Why is it giving me money? Unless it wants to play games. In that case, I am forced to engage it," said Byakuya and started pulling out his Zanpaktou.

"No! Look!" Rukia couldn't take it anymore and took the money from Byakuya. And if it had been anyone BESIDES Rukia, you can bet they would have LOST that hand. She put the money into the machine and pressed the coke button.

COKE CAME OUT! HOORAY!

"See?" she asked Byakuya.

"Continue," said Byakuya, looking at her as if he'd never wanted to get coke from the machine in the first place.

Rukia secretly rolled her eyes and gathered the remaining thirteen cokes they needed. During this, Renji began his seventeenth soda, but because THAT particular soda had been jostled, it exploded in his face and got all over Byakuya's fancy Armani shirt.

"S-sorry Taichou," Renji gulped. "Uh… well…"

"I have demoted for less than this," Byakuya said, looking at his shirt. "And I will demote YOU if you do not go into that store and bring me an exact replica of this shirt right now."

NO! Renji COULDN'T be demoted before he got to go to Six Flags! But he couldn't offer Byakuya HIS shirt because it was also covered in coke! He had to get a new shirt for Byakuya! And FAST!

So Renji RAN into Wal-mart! Unfortunately, neither Renji OR Byakuya knew that Wal-mart… doesn't sell Armani shirts. They sell normal shirts.

"DAMMIT!" Renji cursed. "Why can't humans all just wear the SAME thing like Shinigami?!"

"Having some trouble," said That Buddy Barn Guy, stepping randomly out of an aisle and giving Renji a smug smile.

"What the – how – what are you doing here?!" Renji demanded. He looked around the store, expecting to see OTHER people also wondering, but they were just continuing on their Walmarty ways. "How come no one else notices you?!"

That Buddy Barn Guy gave a little 'tch.' "Explodables. Never notice anything." Then he grinned. "Now what can I help you with, my scribbly painted eyebrowed friend?"

"… I need a replacement shirt for Taichou…" Renji said suspiciously. To Renji, That Buddy Barn Guy seemed just a little TOO convenient. He was DOUBTING him. Doubter.

"Ah… a limited edition Armani silk sleeve, was it not?" said That Buddy Barn Guy, even though he's never seen Byakuya OR his shirt. "That would be… five hundred and forty three dollars. And twelve cence," he added.

"FIVE HUNDRED AND – I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!"

"Well, then maybe you should have some cheaper taste in clothing!" said That Buddy Barn Guy in an offended tone with his hands on his hips.

"ARGH!" shouted Renji, but he knew what he had to do. He promised That Buddy Barn Guy that he'd pay him back and in turn, he received a new shirt for Byakuya. But at what cost, Abarai? AT WHAT COST?! (Five hundred and seventy six dollars and seventeen cence.)

"See ya in two days!" chirped That Buddy Barn Guy and whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guys go.

"Six Flags had better be worth this crap," Renji muttered to himself and stomped out of the Wal-mart. Nobody stopped him and demanded where his reciept was for his purchase because I don't FEEL like anyone doing that. HA.

Outside, Renji gave Byakuya his shirt. Then Byakuya STRIPPED in front of the whole Wal-mart parking lot and there were several accidents. Luckily, he didn't warp poor Rukia's fragile, innocent mind, because she was too busy trying to understand how you open a coke! That CRAZY Rukia! First the juice box, NOW THIS!

"Well, I guess we should get going," said Rukia once Byakuya was covered. "Renji can drink the rest of the cokes on the way and while we wait in line…"

Byakuya looked as though he didn't particularly LIKE that plan, but would allow it anyway. Well, what other plan could there BE?! Why are you so hard to please Byakuya?!

Renji was so sick of coca cola that he wanted to just open them up and POUR them on the ground, but that wasn't what a REAL man would do. A real man would drink all thirty three cokes, even if it KILLED him. So he reluctantly snapped open his eighteenth coke.

Our gleesome threesome got started on their way to Six Flags Over (CENSORED), and when they were halfway there, WHO should run up but… KIRA AND SHUUHEI! HURRAH!

"There you are," said Shuuhei, who looked very SEXY in his modern day clothing!

"We've been looking all over for you, Byakuya-taichou!" said Kira, who looked very… sickly in his modern day clothing.

"YOU guys are our escorts?" Renji asked.

"Yes. Because we no longer have captains we serve ALL the captains!" Kira said politely, which basically means that now Gin and Kaname are gone, Kira and Shuuhei are the remaining captain's little flunkies. Hinamori would be one too, but I THINK SHE'S CRAZY…! (starts dancing)

"Renji, what the hell are you doing drinking all that coke?" Shuuhei asked.

"He is following my orders," Byakuya stated, and nobody asked any more questions. Which was too bad, because Renji had wanted to ask Kira and Shuuhei to help him drink all the soda. Oh well. At least now Renji had his two DAWGS to go to Six Flags with!

"Hey, but Taichou, we heard you were requesting vacation leave, but we didn't know you were going to Six Flags. That doesn't seem like you," Shuuhei observed, because his SEXY powers somewhat neutralize Byakuya's AUTHORITEH powers.

Byakuya did not answer. But because I love you all, YOU shall receive an answer in the form of a

FLASHBACK!

"Renji, what are you doing?" Byakuya asked.

Renji, Shuuhei, Ikkaku, and Yumechika were all sitting there watching a strange glowing box raptly. IN the box was Grey's Anatomy! Our three manly men and one not so manly man were captivated by the medical and personal struggles of these doctors and their interns!

"Oh, uh, hi Taichou," said Renji. "Ichigo showed it to us. It's a television! It's from the real world. You can watch all sorts of… stuff."

"NO WAY!" Ikkaku suddenly screamed because Burke was LEAVING Christina. AT the altar! "CHRISTINA AND MEREDITH! THAT'S TOO GODDAMN MUCH! WHAT THE HELL?!"

"If you want my opinion, those two girls are better off single," Yumechika clucked.

Shuuhei didn't say anything, but that was because he was uninterested in the affairs of Christina and Meredith. HE wanted to know what would happen with George and Izzy! ZOMG!

"Don't you all have work to be doing?" Byakuya asked, and everyone muttered something lamely, but they ran off before Byakuya could demote them or give them a threat.

"It's okay, they repeat it on Fridays," Yumechika whispered.

"They sure like pimping the damn thing out, don't they?" said Renji.

Now, with THEM gone, Byakuya faced the television. It had gone into commercials.

_Ichigo… _he thought. He was trying to remember who Ichigo was! Even though he had kinda, you know… JUST FOUGHT HIM! But that's because Byakuya has a secret problem. He has a hard time remembering people. That's part of the reason he stares like that all the time. He is trying DESPERATELY… to REMEMBER!

_Oh yes. That ryoka, _Byakuya finally remembered, then he felt bad because he'd almost let Rukia get killed and all. Poor Byakuya. If only he could make it UP to Rukia, then he wouldn't feel like Hisana was constantly judging him! But what could he do? What?

Suddenly, a commercial caught Byakuya's attention. It was a scene of a family looking very bored and depressed. THEN, a strange bald little man in a bowtie RAN IN, and started dancing while crazy techno music started playing! Everyone in the family immediately cheered up and ran after the dancing little bald man, and then it showed that they went to SIX FLAGS!

"The BEST in summer family fun… SIX FLAGS!" said some announcer.

…_that looks unintelligent. And irritating, _Byakuya thought. _Like Renji, and that ryoka. Perhaps Rukia would enjoy it._

And THAT'S how we got HERE.

END FLASHBACK!

"Oh well, whatever the case, I'm sure this will be an enjoyable time for us all…" Kira ventured because Byakuya had been staring off into space for awhile. "Right, Rukia-san? It'll be like none of those bad things ever happened!"

"Well, I guess it WOULD, if Aizen and Ichimaru and Kaname weren't running around making evil plans with the Hogyoku," Rukia pointed out.

"R-right…" said Kira, and then something very STRANGE happened! His crazy hair GREW an inch in one second, just like that. So now it also covered part of his CHIN!

There was an awkward pause.

"Kira… your hair…" said Rukia.

"Oh, look…a bird!" Kira said in a brave voice and pretended to be very fascinated with a green traffic light.

Shuuhei shook his head. "Gin's betrayal has been tough on him. Better not to touch on it, or it'll get akward."

"It got AWKWARD because his hair GREW!" said Rukia.

"DUH!" said Renji, throwing the twenty-third coke can down into the box. "It's eating his face. That damn Kira's hair ALWAYS eats his face when he's depressed."

Rukia made a face, but all Shuhei did was nod, as if EVERYONE should know Kira's hair eats his face when he's depressed. I mean, YOU knew that, right? Right?

"Why don't you just get it cut?" Rukia asked Kira.

"You want me to HURT him?" Kira asked in an offended voice.

"Oh, come on, it's not as though your hair is ALIVE," Rukia scoffed like Carson. But no one scoffed with her, so then things became very uncomfortable all over until they FINALLY reached the line for Six Flags and everyone decided to take the subject off of Kira and his LIVING hair.

"How close are you to being complete?" Byakuya asked Renji.

Renji was a little green. "Eight more, Taichou," he said.

"Abarai-kun! You don't look so well!" said Kira, as if HE didn't constantly look like he was going to faint or needed to go lie down somewhere.

"Drinking THAT many cokes can't be good for you, man," Shuuhei observed. "Your stomach is going to explode."

"NO IT'S NOT!" Renji yelled, but his stomach did feel pretty much like exploding. But he only had EIGHT left! Then he and Rukia and Byakuya could have a whole week at Six Flags for FREE! If that's not a noble cause, then what IS?!

"What is THIS?" Byakuya asked randomly and everyoned looked around for what he was referring to. Then they realized he was talking about the line.

"Um, it's a line, Nii-sama," said Rukia. "You wait in it."

"They do not make exceptions for captains of the Gotei Thirteen?"

"Uh… no," said everyone.

Byakuya didn't reply, and he gave the line of people a threatening glare. This did not instantly clear it up like he expected it to, unfortunately.

So they waited and waited and WAITED in line like normal people. Well, kind of normal people. Byakuya kept staring down EVERY single person who happened to glance at him, and scared more than a few small children. Kira was very PALE and WEAK looking, and he kept feeling guilty about this and that, so it kind of looked like he had been kidnapped. Shuuhei looked SEXY and had to keep refusing phone numbers from girls. And Renji… well… Renji was still working hard on those sodas.

Okay, so only Rukia waited in line like a normal person.

When they FINALLY reached the ticket booth guy, Byakuya turned to Renji expectantly. He was on his LAST soda! Number THIRTY-THREE! His eyes were bloodshot and he had sweat pouring down his forehead, and he could barely managed to flick the cap, but he was going to do it!

"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!" a random crowd of people shouted, and then they exploded because that was all I wanted them to do.

_So weak… but I must… WIN!_ Renji thought, and with the very last of his strength, he finished the thirty-third soda. Then he put it inside the box, and shouted, "FINISHED!" Then he moaned and clutched his stomach.

"Very well," said Byakuya, and shoved the box towards the ticket guy with his foot. "Take these."

"Um…" said the ticket guy, who we'll call Ticket Jordan, in a disturbed voice, since he had just WATCHED Renji drink that soda, "what for?"

"There are thirty three cans there. I believe that will cover the stay for three people for a week," said Byakuya. Then he noticed Kira and Shuuhei for the first time. "Ah. Well, we will send for more coke for Renji to drink to get those two in."

"Wait, wait – you can't PAY for Six Flags tickets in COKE cans," said Ticket Jordan. "You can only use ONE can per person to get twenty five dollars off the ticket. And what's more, you can only use one coke can per month."

There was a pause. Renji groaned weakly.

"So… really, we'd only get anything out of three cans," Rukia surmised.

"Yeah… hey, um, did you make that guy drink thirty-three cans of coke?" Ticket Jordan asked, pointing at Renji, who was currently experiencing a pain known only to someone who drinks thirty three cans of coke in one hour. Oh wait… I guess he's the only one that knows that kind of pain.

"Hey, Taichou, you didn't have to do that," said Shuuhei. "We have a Six Flags Season Pass from Soul Society right here!"

"Yes, that will give you unlimited access to everything," Kira added, and then he handed Byakuya a little pass with the Soul Society logo on it. Then he gave one to Rukia. Of course, he and Shuuhei already had one.

"...very well," said Byakuya and flashed Ticket Jordan his pass like he was BORN to flash it. Then he strode into Six Flags. "Come, Rukia."

"Okay…" said Rukia, but she felt bad about Renji putting himself to that much trouble for NOTHING, so she lingered a bit.

"Abarai-kun? Abarai-kun?" Kira asked Renji. "Abarai-kun, look, here's your season pass."

"Dude, I think he's gonna faint," said Shuuhei.

Renji tottered back and forth. Then he threw up four gallons of coke all over the ground. EEEEEWW. THEN he fainted!

Everyone stared at him lying there pathetically on the ground.

"Maybe," said Rukia, "when he comes to, we better just tell him that the cokes covered everything."

"…yeah," said Shuuhei and Kira.

OMAKE!

Well... all I can say is that I TRIED and I TRIED to wait and see if you people would ask more questions, but no, you did not! So I am going to do this very dissapointingly short omake and then rabidly wait for my copy of Harry Potter! GOOD DAY!

Genny: (you get one MILLION bonus points for asking Ichigo!)

Hayley: Who is your favorite Bleach character?

Oh man, that's a toughie, since like EVERYONE in Bleach is awesome. The only person I ever DISliked was Ishida, but then I liked him after he went through all that trouble and lost his powers.

Okay... I'd have to say it's a three way tie between Renji/Kenpachi/Grimmjow. ULTIMATE THREESOME FTLW (shot to death)

Carl: Why are you purple?

Carl: Why are you ugly?

Because there's a one in a MILLION chance that a Wooper can be purple! And there's also a one in a TRILLION chance that a Wooper can talk! PUT EM TOGETHER AND WHADDYA GET - CARL!

Bigfoot-chan: Do you like Harry Potter?

Bigfoot: BIGFOOT LOVE HARRY. CRY WHEN DUMBY DIE.

Ichigo: Why are you a dandelion head? Why don't you like manta rays? What did they ever do to you?

Ichigo: It's not that I don't LIKE them, it's just that I don't like doing REPORTS on them!

And what WOULD you like doing reports on then, Ichigo?

Ichigo: I dunno. Something cool like a VIPER!

As for your first question... why is Ichigo a dandelion head? Well...

(walks up to Ichigo)

Ichigo: ...what?

I WISH HARRY POTTER WAS HERE NOW!

(blows on his head)

(Ichigo's head bursts into a billion pieces and floats off)

ZAT'S WHY!

But again, I am ashamed of you, reviewers! For shame! Well, I certainly do hope you have questions for Rukia, even though she's not that interesting! FOR SHAAAAAAME!

Ja!


End file.
